When I left the hospital, Doctors had given me 5 years. They didn't expect my lungs to last much longer than that. I was told to get my ducks in order, it could happen anytime. My lungs could collapse again without warning. It was my left lung that puzzled them the most. My 2 youngest kids were teenagers at the time. I prayed hard to be able to at least see them to adulthood.
It was rough for a while. The mental stress of it all caused me more physical problems and made the whole thing hard to cope with. It took a long time for my lungs to heal and for me to be able to breathe right again. Special breathing therapy, oxygen tanks and a focused agenda. I ended up having an emotional break down at one point. The thought of dying had overtaken the ability to live.
There was no one for support, I had only my kids to rely on for help. Some of them had other influences misinforming them on how to help me, and to not help me. My mate had walked out of my life and refused to give me the much needed divorce, so I could move forward with my disability. He caused me much financial duress at the same time I was dealing with the physical limitations and mental anguish associated with all that was happening.
There was a few years of not knowing if I would wake up the next day. There were days my chest hurt so bad, I didn't want to keep going. Breathing alone became the most difficult part of living for me. There are still days I fight to catch my breathe. Days I wake up in pain not knowing why it hurts. So many things I can't do anymore because of the inability to breathe normally.
There is an element of depression that comes with it all. Some days are rough, other days it's like nothing is wrong at all. Mood swings is an understatement. I'm sure nobody understands from one day to the next. The whole adventure has cost me many relationships with family and friends. I prefer to be alone rather than constantly having to explain 'how I'm feeling' or why.
I cherish life for the most part. Admitting there has been a few times I tried to die. To get it over with and end it once and for all. The not knowing is hard to cope with at times. The way I have been treated by some of those close to me, made it hard to want to continue.
I prepared and have minimalized my life. Making sure to not accumulate too much 'stuff' so it will be easier on those left behind. I've let go of so many hopes and dreams and don't make much effort to create anything new. I live, I exist, I don't make future plans. I put no effort into making dreams come true. Life is one day at a time.
Every day I wake up I'm grateful to God. Sometimes I wake up in the worst of situations - still thankful I woke up. 5 years has become nearly 20. Some days a blessing others a curse. So much I'm grateful for and yet there is so much I wish I never would have had to live through. The pain people have caused has scarred my heart.
I don't always understand why God has kept me here. Why I have had to endure the things I have had to endure. As I get older, I know my time is truly coming and getting closer with each passing day. As for the doctor's prediction, I really wish they would have kept it to themselves. They really mess up a person's mind when they put a time limit on your life.
Only God knows when it will come to an end, and God can make miracles happen that doctors will never understand. Life is a gift. Meant to be appreciated. Meant to be lived.
One day at a time. There is something good in every day, no matter how bad a day can be.
Cherish it.
Just breathe.
Blessed by God
Life's beautiful @ the Bright side of the Barn
Thanks for Stopping by
Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails.
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