But things happen that affect the heart and soul. Things that change the course our lives will take. A person can go from being proactive to reactive in a matter of minutes. Go from trusting the world to shutting the door.
I never knew violence as a child. My dad was soft spoken; punishments were lectures and stories of the past rather than spankings or being grounded. I was taught to use my mind, to think for myself. Taught to do what was right, even when I had been wronged. To look at the whole picture not just my place in it.
I hadn't planned on getting pregnant. He knew what he was doing. He planned it, the set up the situation - all of it. My family was in the process of immigrating back to Canada. To a place where tragedy happened to me before. There were reasons I had wanted to leave that place the first time; I wasn't going back there. That was how this boy convinced me to 'go with him'.
I call it a shot gun wedding because it was his mother that pushed for it. She pushed hard. My dad offered to buy me any horse I wanted if I would go with them and have my baby at home. Problem was I couldn't go back to where they were going. So, I married - at 15. My family moved 1000 miles away. I had a couple brothers living here still, but they were so much older and into their own lives. I was alone.
Stuck in a family of disfunction and alcoholism. Isolated from my friends and family. I endured the drinking for as long as I could. It was the violence, the people taking his side. As if somehow his drinking was my fault? I kept having babies, that kept me chained to the situation for 11 years. By the time I had found a way out I had 4 little ones in tow.
The death threats were real, the attempts to take my life were real. It was the time he almost succeeded that brought me a door out. A divorce and custody of my kids. I never believed he would hurt them until years later when I found my oldest son covered in bruises from his weekend visit with his dad. My son refused to testify. The police told me without his own testimony there was nothing they could do.
My hands were tied and visitation became their own choice. The kids didn't have to go if they didn't want to. God led me to a friend that found me a place we could live safely and in peace from my ex. It came with its own complications, but we were safe, so I thought. I endured the pain that came with the situation because my kids were safe.
Until the volatile ex sister-in-law found us. Then it was back to being 'on guard' again.
Life became a whirlwind of trauma and bouncing around place to place, job to job. It took years to discover my 'friend' was bipolar. So much of the pain from that experience now made sense. I regret so much, wish there would have been another way out, another way to go.
When you are running for your life, you don't have time to think clearly. When you are alone you don't have as many choices of what to do. The last thing you want to do is put anyone else in the dangerous situation you are in. You do what you have to do until you can find a door to get out.
It was a bittersweet life. My joy, my love was with my children. They were my reason to keep living. They were my strength. As they grew things changed, out of 4 only 2 remain in my life. The others blame me, hate me and they don't even know what I sacrificed for them.
There are good memories I hold onto and try to forget so much of the rest. The scars still there, some faded. The hurt still there. It makes you hold onto the sweet moments even stronger. You strive for moments of happiness to hang onto.
It wasn't a life I would wish onto anyone. I know my kids didn't deserve it; they should have had so much better. I was alone and I had to do it all myself. I did the best I could. At least I kept trying. Some parents would have quit, walked away or even committed suicide. Turned to drugs or alcohol. I stayed, I kept going, I kept fighting to give us a better life.
I'm proud of them for enduring, overcoming and moving on. I'm grateful to God, as my one prayer has always been to let me live long enough for my kids to make it on their own. Let me live till they don't need my help anymore. He's blessed me to live to see grandchildren and great grandchildren. Things I've never thought possible.
I've been blessed, even though I walked out of the church one day, God walked out with me. He's stayed with me through it all.
God has never left my side, even when I wasn't the person, He wanted me to be. My life has been a miracle, one after another. So many times, the Lord has shown Himself on this journey, so many times, He's stood in my path. I believe in miracles and I've been in the middle of them so many times. I will never forget the million times God has saved me in this life.
When it comes to memories, you have to hold the good closer than the bad. Find the joy to overcome the pain.
Blessed by God
Life's a miracle @ the Bright Side of the Barn
Thanks for Stopping by
Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails.
