It's always about the Money

I couldn't tell you how many times I've been accused of 'only caring about the money', or 'I'm just there for the money'.

Every time the kids have needed money, and I could, I would give it to them. Not loan, not expecting pay back, give. Every time I came into any amount of money, I would share it with them. Whether it was a chunk of child support, my inheritance, income tax refunds, always each of them would get something out of it.

After my divorce I never raised the amount of support, it remained the same throughout the entire time the kids were growing up. No cost-of-living adjustments, no reevaluations. Support enforcement would send me forms pretty much every year, asking if I wanted to adjust the support, I declined every time. He got out of paying support on 3 out of the 4 kids and I never went back to court to reclaim what was owed.

When I sold my house there was a lien for $3,000.00 - a bill of my ex's for medical. Not sure how he got them to put a lien on my house, but in any case, I paid the bill out of my sales proceeds. Never took him back to court for the bill. He destroyed my truck doing thousands of dollars in damages and damaged a friend's car as well. I never sued for the money owed me. 

I was accused of only being interested in my second husband because of where he worked and his personal income. Little did people know he was paying out over $600 a month in child support for his only child and didn't have a whole lot of extra to spend, leaving him just as broke as the rest of us. We weren't a couple, we were 'roommates'. A deal made by his mother to help with the expenses on the house she was leaving behind while moving to Canada.  

I handled legal matters and taxes for him, never charging my fees. Leaving me out of a few thousand dollars there too. I babysat his son for 9 years without charging him, and we all know what day care costs are like now don't we? At one point I had to quit my job to watch his son and was never compensated for the loss. Rather accused of 'child abuse' and had to spend more money to defend myself. For the record, I was cleared by the courts and the child returned to my care. I quit watching his son after that and the child became his dad's responsibility completely. I had nothing more to do with him. 

As the years passed my roommate finally married me, for the sake of medical insurance for my kids. Only after I had to pay out a $10,000 hospital bill on my youngest daughter. A bill my ex should have helped pay, so technically he owes me about $5,000 for that as well. Not to mention all the 'school pictures' and 'sports fees' so the kids could participate in activities. Never received 'his half' of those bills either. Never took it back to court even though support enforcement stated they would help me with recovery.

When hubby #2 quit his job to go back to school, it was me and my kids supporting him. Every time he changed his circumstances, it was me and my kids supporting him. And in the last few years while being homeless, it has been me and my kids supporting him. Sometimes paid back sometimes not. This last year there hasn't really been any pay back. When I asked him what he planned to do if he received back pay from Social Security, he said pay his bills, never mentioning to pay back the money he owes my kids.

Twice in my life I've been taken advantage of by men. While I was raised it was a man's responsibility to provide for the family, I found myself being the only provider for my kids growing up. Hubby's son and sister moved in with us and it was my money buying groceries for the whole lot of them, never received a dime in compensation from his mother for the expenses of his sister living there. His ex never paid support towards his son. It was me funding the extra needs for everyone.

Never to be repaid.

But yet, I'm the one accused of 'making it always about the money'. The other day while visiting one of my daughters we were talking about how I am about to end up getting a place of my own, to finally be able to be 'home' and alone by myself. She made the comment, that maybe now I would be able to save some money and have a few nice things for myself. Things I have never been able to have because of having to support and help out everyone else.

I'm concerned, I'm 60, I'm disabled, and my social security is the only steady income I have. It's going to be tight doing everything by myself. . . Rent, utilities, gas in the car, food, medical expenses, taking care of my horse. I know it's going to be a strict budget. I know I can do it, I've had to sacrifice so much already. 

I'm just really sick and tired of always being accused of only being about the money. About as much as I'm sick of being accused of always being the cause of drama. I'm not the one who causes the drama in my life. I mind my own and keep to myself and it's only when I let others into my life, their presence brings on the drama. Yet I'm the one to suffer from it. 

I'm really looking forward to this move. I will be pretty far away, in a place I've never been. It will be all new neighbors, stores and places to go. I doubt I will run into anyone I knew or know. And I'm feeling like I'm not going to really let anyone know where it is, so I can keep it a peaceful place for myself. 

A place I can finally call home and not have to walk on eggshells because of anyone else. My phone is going to be shut off for a while and I don't know that I will announce when it gets turned back on. It's not like I get a whole lot of calls from anyone anyway. The people that matter know how to get ahold of me and that's enough for me. 

While the money owed would be nice, I know I will never see it. It doesn't matter; I have peace and joy and will finally get to be happy without stress. That is worth so much more than what I'm owed. People can think what they want, I'm not the one screwing people out of the money, I'm the one getting screwed what's owed to me. God knows the truth; God knows my heart. I could care less what people think. 

Blessed by God.

Life's going to be beautiful @ the Bright Side of the Barn

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Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails.